Past Present
Danny was with Bobby, his friend
, he had just returned from Bosnia, they were sharing a scotch while also
sharing a weed and reminiscing about nothing in particular, nothing really in
focus. They had squatted a few yards outside his car, now parked, after they
had driven aimlessly out of the city and then had found themselves slowing down
once they were convinced they were around a point that just had themselves and
the vast expanse of wilderness stretching beyond, they had parked not for
anything but to simply chat and drink and smoke.
But, the Bobby with whom Danny
was sharing a drink and grass with now was so intriguing. While at school he
was this well behaved, friendly, native music loving averager who never had
anything about him that would make you sit up and take notice, nothing extra
ordinary, if you know what I mean, we all grew up singing the same songs
through the soundless corridors of our College, generally making it known to no
one in particular and to all who might hear, how happy - go - lucky we were - back then we were not even into weed, we were just into alcohol for fun.
Life, future, money, career,
growing up, branching out was not even mentioned, even as a joke but it was
generally taken that we all would find something as we move on nothing in
particular but something that simply comes along.
Days were spent in the wet, thatched
alcohol shanties of our native land. Days were spent discussing everything from
the nosediving Skylab, to Bubka and Garry Linekar to Prestroika and arguing the
virtues of Marxism or watching movies of all sorts in many of those old, ramshackle cinema halls we had in our small town. Never was future ever even considered
as a worthy enough small talk, all talks and discussions were general, simply throwing each others quarter knowledge of some subject, but we were generally liberal and interestingly
carried conscience, morality, honour, empathy and pity for the not so
privileged, patriotism and such aspects as a part of our general milieu
somewhere as a part of our persona.
Emerging from such a backdrop to
be talking to Bobby now seemed like he was from a different planet, different
life altogether – the earlier one felt so distant, so ridiculous, so callous.
Bobby today called himself a Marine, a private marine, specialised in
mobilising private armies to fight wars of today from Sudan to Iraq, Chenchnya
to Afghanistan, he globe trotted around like we commute between our home and
office, he walked in and out of volatile riot zones like we do from our
supermarkets, he was often sought out by everyone from the UN to the Americans,
the Brits the Russians or Arabs or Africans.
Danny dimly remembered that Bobby was
this very polite, friendly with everyone type of person, never had he ever,
ever, shown even a semblance of a trait, except in some odd boyish brawls that
used occur like once a millennium, that he had had a streak that was anywhere
near being physical or violent or bullyish – definitely not as someone who
could mobilise armies of men adept at killing people belonging to alien lands
using weapons and methodologies that would make Aushwitz and the Leninist-Stalinist -Marxist forms of mass murder seem like mere fodder for Woody Allen comedies.
It was incredible to one day suddenly find that
he, Bobby, the ever smiling, friendly,singing and jovial Bobby would one day become this big, wanted, International private whose actions were responsible
for many of the news we heard everytime we switched on a news channel was a bit
of a stretch, but all the same, he did have every element about him that more
or less conveyed he was someone who was jetting around the most dangerous parts
of the world, doing something really bloody and none of it was something that
he did wearing those humble torn jeans and faded T's we wore as teens.
And these sort of things intrigued Danny endlessly, these dimensions of human mind especially those deeply buried dimensions
of human mind that provokes violence, anger, spite, hate among people considered
otherwise highly civil and polite to the point of being benchmarks intrigued Danny no end.
I’m sure it would shock anyone when you see or hear these types, if you
know them or if you are yourself someone trapped in that sort of dichotomy
where you suddenly display aspects of behaviour considered highly deviant, especially acts of physical
violence springing up out of nowhere thoroughly shocking your own self, take for instance a sudden act of violence against someone you love, someone you swear you love with your life.
It had happened to him, Danny Jesudasan, he too had had his own shocking capers first with Helen and then with dear Annie, in
the past, he remembered even as he enacted some of it a part of him was simultaneously shocked
while another part went about doing stuff to the women he loved things that
hurt, hurt real bad, the real shock was it was done with an intention and in a manner that it was meant to hurt, physically and mentally and even emotionally. And worse Danny went about repeating them, on
and on, sometimes drunk, which only compounded the actions
even further, he winced when he was reminded that he did it even as they the women he was so much in love with cried and sobbed with their looks of horror - and deep inside something told Danny that it wasn’t the alcohol alone.
As Danny continued reflecting his thoughts were drawn back to Bobby’s funny voice , even if he was talking to me
in all seriousness, for a moment Danny skipped amusing myself with his voice
quality and got drawn by what he was saying, Bobby said “So many of aspects of
our past is so full of stuff that you would want to run from, hide from, shove,
erase, change, modify, correct, rewrite, confess and ask for help - trash. So
much of your past you would want to bare out, so much you would want to cast
out, discard, throw. So much of your past you are embarrassed, you are afraid
to share or talk. Much of whatever we do I think will probably need a constant
access to a shrink, a omnipresent shrink, but the problem is, I feel with the
very premise of these learned professionals much of what they observe and read
is itself based on an idea of human society that’s extremely bleak and pale white,
extremely sensitive to even the most insignificant deviance” saying which he
paused with a faintly sad grin that had browsed eyebrows backing it, his eyes were
now a darker shade and Danny thought they were crying out, to shout, shout it all
out.
Danny interrupted Bobby, once he had
taken a pause, hesitating initially thinking maybe he would want to continue,
maybe he had an automatic which he wanted to empty into the air, but slowly Danny realised Bobby’s professionalism was back in its place and he was breathing
easy now Danny was wondering about the kind of demons that Bobby was battling in his head, the fight in
his head seemed much more complex than all the bloody insurgencies and wars he
was involved in and then Danny asked him if he had ever visited a shrink and Bobby
in his new and usually matter-of-fact manner said “Yes” and went on to say he
does have a few of them whom he visits while in Paris or Zurich in fact he went
to say that he visits Paris and Zurich only to meet his shrinks and then once done
with the session he loves meditating it out in the marijuana bars of Copenhagen
– for a moment they allowed silence to hang on them, it was like time had come to a point and just stood still.
Danny took Bobby’s empty glass , he gave it looking distant and slowly rolling another smoke, Danny stood up and walked back towards
the car and as he refilled, he turned on the radio thinking some music would help. But
ended up catching on to a talk show with someone who sounded like a wounded
Leonard Cohen.
"Through the prisons of our mind,
our fears and prejudices are released through gaps and squeaks. Man seeks
atonement only to sin again in a land that has lost its god, lost its religion,
lost its faith.
Here I’m, I said
To no one in particular
Here I’m, I cried
To no one in particular
Faithless
Homeless
Clueless.
Yet, biased
As hell".
Danny walked back.
